A challenge that often flies under the radar for many girls with Autism is the difficulty in understanding and following unwritten social rules. These are the invisible guidelines that most of us follow without thinking, like raising your hand before speaking in class or understanding the subtle dynamics of working in a group. For girls with Autism, these social expectations are not always intuitive, leading to confusion, misunderstandings, and, often, isolation.
Imagine walking into a classroom, and without anyone explicitly explaining the rules, you’re expected to know exactly how to behave—when to talk, how to interact, and when to be quiet. This can be a daunting experience for anyone, but for girls with Autism, it’s a constant challenge. These unwritten rules can create barriers to learning, socializing, and feeling comfortable in the classroom environment.
Today, we’ll explore how the difficulty in understanding these social expectations impacts girls with Autism in school and how we can support them in navigating this complex social landscape.
What Are Unwritten Social Rules?
Unwritten social rules are the unspoken guidelines and expectations that govern behavior in different environments. These rules are rarely explicitly taught but are expected to be followed. In classrooms, common examples include:
- Raising your hand before speaking instead of interrupting.
- Waiting in line quietly rather than walking or pushing to the front.
- Knowing when it’s appropriate to work independently or when to collaborate with others.
- Understanding how to participate in group work without dominating or withdrawing completely.
- Knowing when to make eye contact or when it’s okay to avoid it, and how long to hold it.
For most neurotypical students, these behaviors are learned through observation and experience. However, for girls with Autism, picking up on these subtle, non-verbal cues isn’t always automatic.
How This Struggle Manifests in the Classroom
For girls with Autism, the inability to naturally grasp and follow unwritten social rules can create significant challenges in academic and social settings. Let’s explore how these difficulties show up in different aspects of classroom life:
- Classroom Participation: Many classrooms have an unspoken rule that students should raise their hands to speak. For a girl with Autism, this might not be instinctive. She might blurt out an answer, not realizing she’s breaking a social rule, leading to reprimands from the teacher or confused looks from classmates. This can result in frustration, as she may not understand why she’s being corrected.
- Group Work Dynamics: In group projects, the social rules for collaborating aren’t always clear. There’s often a give-and-take in how responsibilities are divided, how much each person speaks, and how decisions are made. A girl with Autism may struggle to interpret these dynamics—either taking control of the entire project because she’s unsure of how to share tasks or becoming completely passive, unsure of how to assert her ideas. This can lead to isolation or tension within the group.
- Classroom Etiquette: Small, everyday classroom behaviors, such as knowing when it’s okay to talk or when to stay silent, can be confusing. For example, a girl with Autism might struggle to recognize that the teacher’s body language signals it’s time to stop chatting with friends and focus on the lesson. These subtle social cues often go unnoticed, leading to misunderstandings.
- Navigating Social Spaces: Even outside the classroom, such as during recess or lunch breaks, unwritten social rules apply. Understanding how to approach a group of peers, how to wait for a turn in conversation, or how to navigate small talk are all challenges that girls with Autism often face. These difficulties can make social interactions feel like a minefield, leading them to withdraw or feel anxious about social situations.
Social Isolation and Emotional Impact
The struggle to follow unwritten social rules can lead to feelings of isolation for girls with Autism. When they unknowingly break these social norms, they might be met with puzzled or even frustrated reactions from peers and teachers. Over time, this can cause them to feel like they don’t “fit in,” which can damage their self-esteem and confidence.
Imagine constantly feeling as though you’re doing something wrong but not knowing exactly what. A girl with Autism might internalize these experiences, thinking that there’s something wrong with her, which can contribute to anxiety, withdrawal, or even meltdowns. Over time, this emotional stress can lead to reluctance to participate in class or engage with peers, furthering her sense of isolation.
Why These Rules Aren’t Intuitive for Girls with Autism
So why aren’t these unwritten social rules intuitive for girls with Autism? The answer lies in how their brains process social information. Many girls with Autism are literal thinkers. They focus on what’s directly said or shown to them, often missing the subtle, non-verbal cues that communicate social expectations. They may not automatically learn these rules through observation because the unwritten aspects of social behavior—like body language, tone of voice, and implied meanings—aren’t as apparent to them.
For example, if a teacher says, “I need everyone to focus,” the literal request is clear. However, the unspoken rule—stop chatting with your neighbors, face forward, and stop fidgeting—might not be as obvious. Similarly, in a group project, there’s often a social expectation to take turns speaking and sharing ideas equally. A girl with Autism may either talk too much, not realizing she should pause, or talk too little, unsure when it’s her turn to contribute.
These struggles don’t stem from a lack of intelligence or willingness to follow rules. In fact, many girls with Autism thrive in environments where the rules are clear and explicit. But in settings where the rules are implicit or rely on social intuition, they can feel lost.
Strategies to Help Girls with Autism Navigate Unwritten Social Rules
Now that we understand the challenges, how can we help girls with Autism navigate the maze of unwritten social rules in the classroom? Here are some strategies that can make a big difference:
- Explicitly Teach Social Rules: Teachers and parents can help by explicitly teaching the unwritten social rules of the classroom. For example, a teacher might say, “In this classroom, we raise our hands when we want to speak,” rather than assuming all students understand this. Visual reminders, like posters or hand signals, can also reinforce these rules.
- Use Social Stories: Social stories are short narratives that explain specific social situations and the expected behaviors within them. For instance, a social story about group work could explain how to take turns, how to ask for help, and how to contribute ideas. These stories can help girls with Autism understand the rules of social engagement in a concrete, accessible way.
- Create Safe Spaces for Questions: Sometimes, girls with Autism may not even realize they’ve broken a social rule until they’re corrected. Creating an environment where it’s okay to ask questions—like, “Is it okay if I speak now?” or “What should I do next in this group?”—can encourage them to seek clarification without fear of judgment.
- Offer Clear Instructions for Group Work: When assigning group projects, teachers can offer clear guidelines for how students should interact. For example, assigning specific roles within the group (like leader, note-taker, presenter) can provide structure, making it easier for girls with Autism to know what’s expected of them and how they can contribute.
- Practice Social Skills through Role-Playing: Role-playing common classroom scenarios can help girls with Autism practice following unwritten social rules in a safe, controlled environment. Teachers or parents can model behaviors like raising a hand before speaking, taking turns in conversation, or navigating group dynamics.
- Encourage Peer Support: In some cases, pairing girls with Autism with supportive peers can make a big difference. A friend or classmate who understands the challenges can gently guide them through social interactions, helping them interpret unwritten rules in real-time.
- Use Positive Reinforcement: When a girl with Autism successfully navigates an unwritten social rule, whether it’s raising her hand before speaking or taking turns in a group, offering positive reinforcement can encourage her to continue practicing these behaviors. This might be verbal praise or a small reward, depending on what motivates her.
Building Inclusive Classrooms for Girls with Autism
Understanding and following unwritten social rules is a significant challenge for girls with Autism. These rules, so often taken for granted by neurotypical students, are not always intuitive for those on the spectrum. As educators, parents, and peers, we have a responsibility to make these invisible expectations visible and accessible.
By explicitly teaching social rules, offering clear instructions, and providing supportive environments where girls with Autism can practice and ask questions, we can help them build confidence in navigating the social complexities of the classroom. When we make the hidden rules of social interaction clear and approachable, we create classrooms where all students, including girls with Autism, can thrive. If you need help, reach out to Elizabeth.