Unmasking Camouflaging: The Silent Reality of Autistic Women

November 8, 2024

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Understanding Camouflaging and Its Impact

When you hear about autism, what comes to mind? Chances are, you picture a boy who struggles to make eye contact or prefers to play alone. This image is so prevalent that many girls and women go unnoticed, their autism camouflaged by an array of practiced social strategies. Camouflaging refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to blend in with peers, mask differences, and perform socially accepted behaviors, often at a great personal cost.

If you’re an adult woman who finds social interactions exhausting or a parent who suspects your child might be camouflaging their autistic traits, this is for you. You are not alone, and your experiences are valid. This is a little longer than our normal posts, so buckle up!

What Is Camouflaging?

Camouflaging involves a series of learned behaviors used to ‘mask’ or ‘cover up’ autistic traits. This is not just mimicking body language or maintaining eye contact but also includes practicing phrases, adjusting facial expressions, and suppressing natural behaviors like stimming (repetitive movements or sounds).

Imagine sitting in a meeting where you have to consciously think about how to sit, how to nod, and when to smile, all while processing what is being said. Now extend this effort to almost every social interaction. For many autistic girls and women, this is the reality—a constant performance to seem ‘normal.’

The Misconceptions Around Camouflaging in Females

Misconception #1: Girls and women are less likely to be autistic.
The truth is, autism is not less common in females; it’s less identified. Girls and women are often overlooked because they do not fit the ‘classic’ signs of autism. They may develop subtle and sophisticated ways of hiding their difficulties early on, leading to delayed diagnoses or no diagnosis at all.

Misconception #2: Camouflaging means someone is ‘mildly’ autistic.
Camouflaging can be misunderstood as evidence that a person does not face significant challenges. In reality, the ability to camouflage does not equate to ease of experience. The emotional and mental toll it takes is profound. Many women who camouflage well suffer from high rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout because of the immense effort it takes to maintain their mask.

Misconception #3: High intelligence means they can’t be autistic.
Many people assume that being highly intelligent or excelling in certain areas, such as academics or a career, is incompatible with an autism diagnosis. However, intelligence does not negate the presence of autism. In fact, many autistic women possess above-average intelligence, which can sometimes help them develop sophisticated camouflaging strategies. This may lead others to overlook their struggles or dismiss their challenges as being unrelated to autism.

Misconception #4: Camouflaging is a conscious choice.
While some aspects of camouflaging are intentional, much of it can be automatic, developed over years of social conditioning and necessity. The pressure to conform and meet societal expectations often leads to camouflaging without conscious effort, making it deeply ingrained and difficult to change.

Examples of Camouflaging Behaviors

Imitating Speech Patterns: Adopting the speaking style, slang, or intonation of peers to blend in, even if it feels unnatural.
Hiding Sensory Sensitivities: Pretending not to be bothered by loud noises, bright lights, or uncomfortable textures, despite feeling overwhelmed.
Adjusting Facial Expressions: Smiling or showing a neutral face even when feeling anxious or confused, to appear more relaxed or engaged.
Copying Social Scripts: Using phrases or jokes heard from others, repeating them verbatim in conversations to seem spontaneous.
Limiting Personal Interests: Avoiding talking about passions or special interests that are unique or intense, in order to avoid appearing “odd.”
Over-analyzing Body Language: Constantly monitoring their posture, hand movements, and gestures to align with what they believe is socially acceptable.
Pretending to Understand: Nodding and smiling during conversations without truly following the topic, just to keep up appearances.
Avoiding Direct Eye Contact but Glancing Periodically: Training oneself to look at someone’s nose or forehead to mimic eye contact without the discomfort.
Suppressing Emotional Reactions: Holding back visible excitement, frustration, or distress to avoid judgment or questions from others.
Actively Avoiding Stimming: Replacing visible stims like hand-flapping with more subtle behaviors like clenching the fists or tensing muscles.
Practicing Neutral Responses: Rehearsing non-committal phrases such as “That’s interesting” or “Oh, really?” to use in conversations when unsure how to respond.
Studying Social Situations: Observing interactions closely and taking mental notes on how others behave in order to replicate those behaviors later.
Using Humor as a Defense Mechanism: Joking or making light-hearted comments to deflect attention or avoid deeper conversation.
Conforming to Group Opinions: Agreeing with the majority view, even when holding a different opinion, to avoid conflict or isolation.
Adopting Peer Interests: Developing a sudden interest in a popular topic or activity solely to engage with peers, even if it doesn’t match their true preferences.
Monitoring Voice Volume and Tone: Adjusting the pitch, volume, and tone of voice to ensure it matches the group’s energy or expectations.
Avoiding Being Alone in Social Settings: Sticking close to a friend or staying in the background at events to avoid being put on the spot.
Preparing for Social Events: Spending significant time thinking about potential topics of conversation, jokes, or stories to share during gatherings.
Faking Confidence: Putting on a confident demeanor despite feeling anxious, to appear as though they are comfortable and capable in the situation.

The First Things You Might Notice About a Female with Autism

Intense Focus on Special Interests: A deep passion for specific topics.
Strong Sensitivity to Sensory Input: Discomfort with loud noises or certain textures.
Highly Imaginative Play: Complex and immersive pretend play.
Difficulty with Transitions: Struggling with changes in routine.
Advanced Language Use: Strong vocabulary but challenges with social cues.
Preference for Routine: Becoming upset with unexpected changes.
Socially Quiet or Observant: Observing before joining group activities.
Overwhelmed After Socializing: Needing downtime to recover.

Recognizing the Signs of Camouflaging in Yourself or Your Child

Adults may:

Feel drained after social interactions: Social situations can leave you feeling exhausted, requiring long periods of rest to recover.
Rehearse conversations beforehand: Planning out what to say in interactions to feel prepared and reduce anxiety.
Suppress habits or movements that help you feel calm: Such as stimming, tapping fingers, or fidgeting, to appear more socially acceptable.
Experience high anxiety before or after social events: Worrying about how you were perceived or if you said the “right” things.
Find yourself imitating social behaviors without understanding why: Laughing at jokes or expressions simply to blend in, even if the humor is not understood.
Feel like you’re performing a role rather than being authentic: Particularly in professional settings or around acquaintances.
Struggle with spontaneous interactions: Preferring conversations where you can prepare in advance, avoiding situations that require quick thinking.
Replay social interactions in your mind: Overanalyzing past conversations and worrying about how you came across.
Hide or downplay personal interests: Avoiding talking about topics that excite you for fear of appearing different.
Adopt a different persona in social situations: Feeling like you shift into a different version of yourself when engaging with others.
Mask emotions: Smiling or displaying emotions that don’t match your internal state to align with social norms.
Feel emotionally detached: A sense of disconnect from your true identity, especially when around others.
Avoid asking for help: Struggling in silence to avoid being seen as different or incompetent.
Experience frequent self-criticism: Harshly judging yourself after social interactions for not meeting perceived standards.

Children may:

Mimic peers without understanding why: Copying the way other children play, talk, or move to blend in, even if it feels unnatural.
Appear overly compliant or quiet: Being extra polite and agreeable to avoid standing out or drawing attention.
Show heightened observation before participating: Watching others intently to learn social cues before joining in, leading to delayed participation in group activities.
Mask their emotions: Smiling or pretending to be happy when they are uncomfortable or upset to align with social expectations.
Have sudden outbursts at home: After a long day of camouflaging at school or in social settings, releasing pent-up stress through meltdowns or emotional outbursts.
Avoid speaking about their true interests: Choosing not to discuss favorite topics or passions that may seem unusual to peers to avoid appearing different.
Seem exhausted after school or social events: Needing significant downtime after being in social environments due to the energy spent masking behaviors.
Prefer to play alone after social activities: Showing a strong need for solitary play to recharge after interacting with others.
Exhibit perfectionist tendencies: Striving to appear flawless to avoid being criticized or noticed for differences.
Use scripted language: Repeating phrases or conversations that they have rehearsed to sound more socially adept.
Struggle to initiate or join conversations: Waiting for others to approach first to avoid making a mistake or being judged.
Avoid making eye contact: Forcing themselves to maintain eye contact during interactions, which may look normal to others but feels uncomfortable.
Demonstrate selective participation: Only engaging in activities they feel confident in, avoiding situations that may expose their challenges.
Experience significant changes in behavior between school and home: Acting one way at school (calm, compliant) but being more relaxed or expressive at home where they feel safe.
Have difficulty expressing their needs: Not asking for help even when they are struggling, to avoid appearing different or needy.
Mask sensory discomfort: Hiding reactions to overwhelming stimuli, such as covering their ears or flinching at loud sounds, to appear unaffected.

Teens may:

Monitor their body language and expressions: Constantly checking that their facial expressions, gestures, and reactions look natural to others.
Adopt different personas in different social groups: Presenting varying versions of themselves depending on the group they’re with, making it hard to establish their true identity.
Over-prepare for social interactions: Spending time rehearsing what to say or do in social situations to avoid making mistakes or appearing out of place.
Suppress natural behaviors like stimming: Keeping their hands still, avoiding fidgeting, or maintaining a specific posture to fit in.
Mimic fashion and interests: Adopting popular clothing styles, slang, or interests that may not align with their true preferences to avoid standing out.
Display selective mutism or quietness: Choosing not to speak in certain settings to avoid making social errors or drawing attention.
Mask their true feelings: Smiling or showing neutral expressions even when they feel anxious, sad, or frustrated to appear more socially acceptable.
Show a keen awareness of social rules: Understanding what is expected in social settings but struggling with the actual application of those rules, leading to stress and anxiety.
Experience social burnout: Needing extended periods of alone time after school or social events due to the effort put into camouflaging throughout the day.
Struggle with maintaining friendships: Keeping up the energy to socialize regularly may become overwhelming, leading to withdrawal or limited social interaction.
Critically evaluate their social performance: Going over conversations and interactions repeatedly, often feeling they could have done better or worrying about what others thought.
Demonstrate a strong fear of judgment: Avoiding situations where they might be scrutinized or corrected by peers.
Avoid asking for accommodations: Not seeking help or adjustments in school or social activities to appear self-sufficient and not stand out.
Hide personal interests: Not talking about hobbies or topics they love if they fear they might be perceived as too different or peculiar.
Change how they speak: Altering their tone of voice, pitch, or way of speaking to match peers or avoid standing out.
Experience mood swings or emotional outbursts at home: After maintaining a social mask all day, they may release pent-up emotions in a safe environment.

Why do females with autism camouflage?

The reasons why girls and women engage in camouflaging behaviors are complex and often deeply rooted in societal expectations and personal experiences.

1. Societal Expectations and Gender Norms
From a young age, girls are often socialized to prioritize social harmony, politeness, and being accommodating. There’s an implicit (and sometimes explicit) expectation for girls to be nurturing, friendly, and socially skilled. These societal norms push autistic girls to mask their differences to fit into what is deemed acceptable behavior. While boys may be allowed more leeway to express their individuality or show signs of discomfort, girls often face greater pressure to conform to social expectations.

2. Desire for Social Acceptance
The longing to belong and be accepted is universal, but for autistic girls and women, it can be particularly intense. This desire can drive them to observe and mimic peers, even if it feels exhausting or unnatural. They may develop a heightened awareness of their social environment, studying how others behave and adjusting their own actions to blend in. This practice can lead to temporary acceptance but often comes at the expense of authenticity and personal comfort.

3. Fear of Judgment or Rejection
Girls and women who are undiagnosed or unaware of their autism may internalize the idea that there is something inherently “wrong” with them. This belief can create a deep fear of being judged or rejected for being different. As a result, they work hard to conceal behaviors that might draw attention or criticism. This fear isn’t baseless; many have experienced negative reactions when they acted in ways that were not deemed socially typical, reinforcing the need to mask their true selves.

4. Avoidance of Negative Attention
Autistic girls and women often learn that being themselves can result in unwanted attention or misunderstanding. For example, showing excitement about a niche interest or engaging in stimming behaviors might lead to questions or teasing. To avoid such situations, they might suppress or redirect their natural behaviors. The goal is to avoid standing out or attracting comments that could make them feel exposed or vulnerable.

5. Lack of Early Diagnosis and Support
One significant reason girls and women develop camouflaging behaviors is the lack of early diagnosis. Many females go undiagnosed until adulthood or may never be diagnosed at all. Without the understanding and support that comes with a diagnosis, they often feel the need to find their own ways to cope with social challenges. This often means camouflaging their true selves to function in school, work, and social settings.

6. Innate Adaptability
Many autistic girls and women possess an innate ability to observe and adapt. This adaptability can be both a strength and a burden. They may pick up on subtle social cues and imitate them effectively, which allows them to navigate complex social situations more smoothly. However, this adaptability requires a significant amount of mental energy and often results in chronic stress or fatigue.

7. Influence of Peer Relationships
Peer relationships during childhood and adolescence are critical to social development. Autistic girls who feel “different” may try to camouflage to maintain friendships and avoid social isolation. They might agree to activities they don’t enjoy or pretend to share interests just to be included. The pressure to maintain friendships by blending in can reinforce camouflaging behaviors over time.

8. High Empathy and Awareness
Contrary to stereotypes, many autistic girls and women have high levels of empathy and are deeply aware of how their behavior affects others. This awareness can lead to camouflaging as a way to prevent discomfort in others or maintain peace in social situations. They may mask their true feelings to avoid making others uncomfortable or to match the emotional tone of the group.

9. Desire for Professional Success
In the workplace, women often feel a need to prove themselves and avoid showing any perceived “weaknesses.” For autistic women, this can mean camouflaging traits that might be misunderstood as a lack of competence or professionalism. They may work harder to manage their body language, maintain eye contact, and suppress behaviors that might be misinterpreted by colleagues.

10. Cumulative Pressure Over Time
As girls and women continue to mask their true selves, the pressure to maintain the facade can build over time. The more they camouflage, the harder it can be to break the habit, as it becomes part of how they navigate life. The accumulated stress and expectation to always perform socially can lead to a cycle of increased anxiety and diminished self-worth.

11. Internalized Messages
Many girls and women internalize the belief that they must be “normal” or perfect to be accepted. These messages come from parents, teachers, peers, and media, contributing to the perception that they need to suppress who they truly are. The ongoing effort to meet these unrealistic expectations reinforces camouflaging as a necessary survival mechanism.

Understanding why girls and women camouflage is essential for fostering awareness and promoting acceptance. Recognizing the reasons behind these behaviors can help guide efforts to support autistic individuals in feeling safe to express themselves authentically, free from judgment or misunderstanding.

The Cost of Camouflaging

The impact of camouflaging autistic traits goes far beyond social exhaustion; it can have profound and long-lasting effects on mental, emotional, and physical health. While camouflaging might help autistic girls and women blend in and meet social expectations, the consequences often outweigh the short-term benefits. Here’s a deeper look at the significant costs associated with camouflaging:

1. Chronic Anxiety and Hypervigilance
Maintaining a social mask requires constant self-monitoring and heightened awareness of one’s surroundings. This hypervigilance, while helping navigate social interactions, fuels chronic anxiety. The brain is continually working overtime to anticipate social cues, craft appropriate responses, and ensure behaviors align with what is deemed socially acceptable. Over time, this persistent state of alertness can lead to anxiety disorders, making it challenging to feel relaxed or at ease, even in familiar settings.

2. Depression and Emotional Disconnection
Camouflaging often leads to a disconnection from one’s authentic self. When girls and women suppress their true emotions and behaviors, they may struggle with a sense of identity. This internal conflict—where the person feels they must act a certain way to be accepted—can foster feelings of isolation and sadness. Over time, the inability to express true feelings and be accepted for who they are can contribute to clinical depression. The emotional toll of never feeling truly understood or known can erode self-esteem and self-worth.

3. Burnout and Mental Exhaustion
Autistic burnout is a state of intense physical and mental exhaustion that can arise after prolonged periods of camouflaging. This form of burnout is unique and can manifest as extreme fatigue, reduced ability to engage in activities, and a sharp decline in cognitive functioning. The constant effort to monitor and adapt behavior, coupled with the stress of navigating sensory sensitivities, can leave individuals feeling depleted and unable to function at their usual capacity. Recovery from autistic burnout often requires significant time and support and may become more frequent if camouflaging is a lifelong strategy.

4. Difficulty with Authentic Relationships
When a person spends most of their time camouflaging, it becomes challenging to form deep and authentic relationships. Friends and family may know only the “mask” rather than the true person behind it. This can result in relationships that feel superficial or unfulfilling, as the individual may fear being rejected if they reveal their true self. The lack of genuine connections can exacerbate feelings of loneliness and isolation, despite appearing socially engaged or successful.

5. Delayed or Missed Diagnosis
One of the significant costs of camouflaging is the delayed or missed diagnosis of autism. Girls and women who effectively camouflage their traits may not exhibit the stereotypical signs that are more readily recognized in boys. As a result, they often go undiagnosed until adulthood, if at all. This lack of diagnosis can mean years without the appropriate support and understanding that could help them thrive. A delayed diagnosis can also contribute to a sense of confusion or frustration about why life feels so challenging, leading to secondary mental health conditions like anxiety and depression.

6. Impact on Physical Health
The stress and tension from camouflaging don’t just affect mental health; they can take a toll on physical health as well. Chronic stress has been linked to a range of physical issues, including headaches, digestive problems, and weakened immune function. Autistic individuals who camouflage may also experience psychosomatic symptoms like chronic pain or fatigue, stemming from the continuous suppression of natural responses and coping mechanisms.

7. Loss of Identity
For many autistic girls and women, the act of camouflaging becomes so ingrained that it’s hard to distinguish where the mask ends and their true self begins. This loss of identity can lead to an ongoing struggle with self-perception and self-acceptance. The individual might question who they really are or feel as though they are constantly playing a role. This can make it difficult to develop a strong, confident sense of self and can hinder personal growth.

8. Heightened Risk of Mental Health Crises
The cumulative pressure of long-term camouflaging can escalate into more severe mental health crises, such as panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, or self-harming behaviors. The stress of maintaining a facade, combined with the internalized belief that their true self isn’t acceptable, can push individuals to a breaking point. Without adequate support and understanding, these crises can become more frequent and severe.

9. Difficulty in Seeking Help
Many girls and women who camouflage may feel that asking for help would expose their struggles or lead to judgment. They might feel compelled to maintain the facade of being capable and independent, even when they are struggling internally. This reluctance to seek help can delay access to mental health services, therapy, or other supports that could provide relief and improve quality of life.

10. Reduced Quality of Life
Ultimately, the cost of camouflaging can reduce the overall quality of life. The effort it takes to continually perform can interfere with personal enjoyment, career satisfaction, and the ability to pursue hobbies or interests that might be perceived as “different.” The focus on meeting societal expectations means that the individual may neglect their own needs, further contributing to a sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness.

The costs of camouflaging autistic traits are significant and often extend beyond what is visible to others. While camouflaging can help girls and women navigate social situations and meet external expectations, it comes at the expense of their mental, emotional, and physical health. Understanding the reasons behind camouflaging and recognizing its impacts can pave the way for more compassionate support and create spaces where autistic girls and women can feel safe to express their true selves. By fostering acceptance and providing resources, we can help alleviate the pressure to camouflage and promote a healthier, more authentic way of living.