“Why Can’t They Just Move Forward?” — The Role of Anxiety in Delayed Adulthood
Do you have a young adult in your life who seems stuck? Maybe they’re avoiding job applications, unable to move out, or putting off important decisions about their future. From the outside, it may look like laziness or lack of motivation.
But here’s the truth: It’s often anxiety.
Anxiety can keep young adults trapped in extended adolescence, preventing them from taking the steps needed to become independent. What makes this even more challenging is that anxiety doesn’t always look like fear or panic attacks. In fact, it often shows up as procrastination, avoidance, indecision, or self-sabotage — behaviors that parents and caregivers can misinterpret as defiance or laziness.
But this “stuckness” is more complicated than it seems.
What Is Extended Adolescence? (A Quick Recap)
Before we dive into anxiety’s role, let’s define extended adolescence.
Extended adolescence refers to the phase where young adults take longer to reach traditional milestones of adulthood, such as:
- Moving out of their parents’ home
- Becoming financially independent
- Building long-term relationships
- Establishing a stable career
In previous generations, these milestones were typically achieved by the early 20s. Today, it’s more common for young adults to reach them in their late 20s or even early 30s.
Many factors contribute to this trend, including economic challenges, mental health struggles, and shifting societal norms. However, anxiety is one of the most significant barriers preventing young adults from progressing.
Let’s explore how anxiety shows up in young adults, how it keeps them stuck, and what you can do to help.
How Does Anxiety Show Up in Young Adults? (It’s Not Always Obvious)
Anxiety doesn’t always look like nervousness or panic attacks. Instead, it often manifests in hidden ways that parents and caregivers may misinterpret as laziness or defiance.
Here are some common ways anxiety shows up in young adults:
1. Procrastination (The Hidden Face of Anxiety)
Procrastination is one of the most common ways anxiety shows up in young adults. But this isn’t about being lazy. It’s a form of avoidance behavior, where the person delays tasks to avoid feelings of fear, failure, or overwhelm.
What it looks like:
- Avoiding job applications
- Putting off important life decisions
- Waiting until the last minute to complete tasks
2. Indecision and Overthinking (A Fear of Making the Wrong Choice)
Anxious young adults often struggle with indecision and overthinking. They get stuck in a cycle of “what if” thinking, making it hard to make decisions and take action.
What it looks like:
- Spending hours researching options but never making a choice
- Second-guessing decisions and feeling paralyzed by “what if” scenarios
- Asking for constant reassurance
3. Avoidance of Responsibility (Anxiety in Disguise)
Anxious young adults may avoid adult responsibilities because these tasks feel overwhelming or trigger their fear of failure.
What it looks like:
- Ignoring bills or important emails
- Avoiding doctor’s appointments
- Putting off conversations about the future
4. Fear of Failure (The Anxiety That Keeps Them Stuck)
One of the biggest drivers of anxiety in young adults is fear of failure. This fear can cause them to avoid taking risks, pursuing goals, or making big life changes.
How Polyvagal Theory Explains the Anxiety Behind Extended Adolescence
To truly understand anxiety’s impact on extended adolescence, we need to look at the nervous system through the lens of polyvagal theory.
Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, polyvagal theory explains how our nervous system responds to threats and stress — and how this impacts our behavior and emotional regulation.
According to polyvagal theory, our nervous system has three states:
- Ventral Vagal (Safe and Social) – This is the state where we feel calm, connected, and able to take on challenges.
- Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) – This state is activated when we perceive danger. It prepares us to fight or run away.
- Dorsal Vagal (Freeze/Shutdown) – When a threat feels overwhelming, our system goes into shutdown mode to conserve energy and avoid further harm.
How Polyvagal States Impact Young Adults
Many young adults stuck in extended adolescence are living in a dysregulated nervous system. They may be bouncing between fight-or-flight and freeze, making it hard to access the calm, social, and solution-oriented ventral vagal state.
For example:
- In fight-or-flight mode, they may become anxious, restless, and avoidant.
- In freeze mode, they may procrastinate, feel paralyzed by indecision, or withdraw from responsibilities.
Helping young adults regulate their nervous system can make a huge difference in their ability to move forward in life.
How Attachment Theory Explains Extended Adolescence
Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships with caregivers shape our ability to form secure relationships, self-regulate emotions, and develop independence.
Young adults with secure attachment tend to feel more confident in their ability to handle life’s challenges. They trust themselves and others, making it easier for them to take risks and navigate adulthood.
However, young adults with insecure attachment may struggle with:
- Fear of abandonment
- Low self-esteem
- Fear of failure
This can make it harder for them to:
- Leave home
- Establish careers
- Build long-term relationships
How to Help Young Adults Manage Anxiety and Move Forward
If your young adult is struggling with anxiety and delayed independence, here are practical steps you can take:
1. Help Them Regulate Their Nervous System (Polyvagal Exercises)
Encourage them to try nervous system regulation techniques, such as:
- Deep breathing exercises
- Grounding techniques (like focusing on their five senses)
- Mindfulness practices
These practices help them move from fight-or-flight or freeze into a ventral vagal state, where they feel safe and capable of taking action.
2. Validate Their Anxiety (Attachment-Informed Approach)
One of the best things you can do is validate their experience.
Try saying:
- “I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed, and that’s okay.”
- “It makes sense that you’re feeling anxious. Let’s work through it together.”
Validation helps reduce shame and builds trust.
3. Break Goals into Small, Achievable Steps
Instead of pushing for big leaps of independence, help them take small steps toward their goals.
For example:
- Instead of saying, “Get a job,” try, “Let’s update your resume this week.”
- Instead of saying, “Move out,” try, “Let’s look at apartments together.”
Small wins build confidence and momentum.
4. Encourage Therapy
If your young adult is struggling with anxiety, consider encouraging them to try polyvagal-informed therapy or attachment-based therapy.
These approaches can help them:
- Regulate their emotions
- Heal attachment wounds
- Build self-confidence
Final Thoughts: Anxiety Isn’t Laziness — It’s a Barrier That Can Be Overcome
Anxiety can keep young adults stuck in extended adolescence, but it’s not a life sentence. With nervous system regulation, secure attachments, and small, achievable steps, they can overcome anxiety and move forward toward independence.
Remember:
They’re not lazy.
They’re not defiant.
They’re growing — and they need guidance and compassion along the way.
Is anxiety keeping your young adult stuck in extended adolescence? Reach out to one of our therapists to explore how anxiety contributes to procrastination, indecision, and avoidance — and practical strategies for how to help your child move forward. Learn how to validate their experience, encourage small steps, and promote healthy coping mechanisms to reduce anxiety and build confidence.
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