If you’re here, reading this, I imagine it’s because you care deeply about the well-being of your child. Maybe you’ve even experienced that tight feeling in your chest when something seems off in a social situation, but you aren’t quite sure why. You want to know if your teen is safe and, just as importantly, if they feel safe.
Let’s talk about that today.
Family holidays can be a paradox: a time of love, laughter, and togetherness, yet they can also be stressful, overwhelming, and fraught with complex social dynamics. I want to share some ways to recognize when your teen is uncomfortable around someone and how to take action to protect them.
Why It’s Hard for Teens to Speak Up
First, let’s take a moment to reflect on what it’s like to be a teenager. Remember that feeling? Hormones are surging, your sense of identity is still forming, and there’s a desire to both stand out and fit in simultaneously. On top of that, many teens are conditioned to be polite, to respect adults, and to keep the peace—even if it makes them uneasy.
So, when your teen feels uncomfortable around someone, especially at a family holiday gathering, they might not always tell you. Not because they don’t trust you, but because they may not even understand their own feelings. It could be a strange vibe they can’t articulate, or they might worry they won’t be believed.
This is where we, as parents, can become their emotional detectives and advocates.
The Neurobiology of Discomfort
Let’s get into the neurobiology for a moment—don’t worry, I’ll keep it simple. When a person, especially a teen, experiences discomfort or senses a threat, their brain activates a system called the amygdala, the brain’s fear center. It’s responsible for the fight-or-flight response. In layman’s terms, their body is on high alert, even if they can’t quite name the danger.
When your teen’s amygdala is activated, they may show signs of distress through physical or behavioral cues. Here’s how you can spot those signs, even when they don’t verbalize what’s wrong.
10 Signs Your Teen Is Uncomfortable
- Avoids Eye Contact
You’re at the holiday dinner, and you notice your teen looking away every time a certain relative speaks to them. This isn’t shyness; it’s often an instinctive reaction to avoid a perceived threat. - Body Language Changes
Their posture might stiffen, or they cross their arms tightly over their chest. Our bodies don’t lie; when someone feels uncomfortable, their physical stance reflects it. - Sudden Silence or Quietness
If your usually chatty teen suddenly clams up when a certain person enters the room, it’s worth paying attention. This silence can be a survival mechanism. - Forced or Nervous Laughter
Have you ever seen someone laugh at a joke that isn’t funny? Teens do this too, often to diffuse a tense or awkward moment. It’s their way of trying to make an uncomfortable interaction more bearable. - Seeks Physical Distance
This is a big one. If your teen gravitates toward the far end of the room or stays glued to your side when a specific individual is present, take note. - Avoids Being Alone with the Person
Your teen may hang out in group settings or find excuses to avoid one-on-one interactions. Listen if they express reluctance to be in close quarters with someone. - Restless Movements
Fidgeting, tapping their foot, or frequently glancing around the room can all be signs of discomfort. Their body is trying to release nervous energy. - Deflects or Changes the Subject
If you bring up the person in conversation and your teen quickly changes the topic, they may be trying to steer away from discussing their discomfort. - Overly Polite or Agreeable
Your teen may go out of their way to be polite, even when they don’t want to be. This behavior often comes from a desire to avoid conflict or confrontation. - Expresses Negative Feelings Indirectly
Complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue that seem to arise in the presence of a certain person can be physical manifestations of anxiety or discomfort.
How to Protect Your Teen During Family Holidays
So, what can you do? First, I want to say that recognizing these signs doesn’t mean you should jump to conclusions or assume the worst. But it does mean it’s time to step in and be proactive.
1. Create a Plan Together Before the Gathering
Before you head to a holiday event, sit down with your teen. Talk about who will be there and ask if there is anyone they’re worried about seeing. Discuss what they might do if they start feeling uncomfortable. Giving your teen some control over the situation can help ease anxiety.
Say something like, “If you ever feel weird or unsafe, it’s okay to come find me. We can have a signal just between us.”
2. Establish a Safe Signal
Create a discreet way for your teen to let you know they need help. This could be a simple hand gesture, a code word, or even a text message. The key here is that your teen knows they can reach out without drawing attention.
3. Stay Observant but Not Overbearing
During the gathering, keep an eye on your teen’s interactions. If you notice any of the signs of discomfort, approach gently. You might ask, “Hey, do you want to come help me in the kitchen?” or “Want to take a walk outside for some fresh air?” These offers provide an easy out without embarrassing them.
Neurobiology Insight: Your presence as a safe figure can help calm their activated amygdala. Even small, non-intrusive gestures can lower their stress levels.
4. Normalize Setting Boundaries
Teach your teen that it’s okay to set personal boundaries. If they don’t want to hug someone or be in a specific conversation, let them know they have your full support. This can be challenging, especially with well-meaning but overbearing relatives.
Practice with your teen how to say, “No, thank you” or “I’m going to hang out over here for a bit” in a way that feels comfortable.
What to Do if Your Teen Opens Up
If your teen does come to you and say they feel uncomfortable around someone, listen without judgment. This is crucial. They need to know they’ll be believed and supported.
Validating Statement:
“I’m so glad you told me. I believe you, and I’m here to help you feel safe.”
Trust Your Gut as a Parent
You have strong instincts when it comes to your child’s well-being. If something doesn’t feel right, trust that. Maybe it’s the way someone interacts with your teen or a comment that feels off. Your gut feeling is a powerful tool.
Protect Your Teen During Family Holidays by Staying Connected and Present. The goal isn’t to instill fear but to create an environment where your child feels supported and empowered. We can’t always shield them from discomfort, but we can be their safe harbor.
What to Do After the Event
After the holiday gathering, take a few minutes to check in with your teen. Ask how they felt and if there was anything that made them uncomfortable. This isn’t about interrogation but about open, loving communication.
Say, “How was that for you? Was there anyone who made you feel uneasy?” If they share, listen actively and without rushing to fix things.
Seven Takeaways for Parents
- Recognize the signs of discomfort.
- Have an open and loving pre-event conversation.
- Create a secret signal for safety.
- Stay present and observant during gatherings.
- Support your teen in setting boundaries.
- Trust your instincts and intervene if needed.
- Follow up after the event with gentle, validating conversation.
As parents, it’s not always easy to know when our teens are uncomfortable, especially during family holidays. This blog dives into recognizing the signs and offers practical, loving ways to support and protect your child. Remember, your presence and understanding can make a world of difference. Read on to learn how to be the safety net your teen needs.”
Be proactive this holiday season—support your teen with confidence and care. If you are looking for a therapist for your child or yourself, reach out today.