“I Just Want Them to Grow Up!” — The Frustration of Parenting Through Extended Adolescence
If you’re a parent of a young adult still living at home, still financially dependent, or still unsure about their next steps in life, you’ve probably had this thought more times than you can count:
“When are they going to grow up?”
Maybe you’ve tried to have conversations about their future, but they shut down or push back. You’re frustrated, they’re overwhelmed, and you’re both feeling stuck in a loop of unmet expectations and rising tension.
Let’s take a step back.
This “in-between” phase — where young adults aren’t quite fully independent but also aren’t teenagers anymore — is what we call extended adolescence. It’s a confusing and emotionally charged time for both parents and young adults.
Here’s the truth:
Your child probably wants to be independent just as much as you want them to be. But they may be struggling with fear, uncertainty, and mental health challenges that make the transition feel impossible.
The good news? There are ways to support your young adult without pushing them away.
Why Are So Many Young Adults Struggling with Independence?
Before we get into solutions, it’s important to understand why so many young adults are finding it hard to transition into independence.
Here are some of the biggest contributing factors:
1. Financial Barriers
The cost of living has skyrocketed, making it harder for young adults to afford basic expenses like rent, groceries, and transportation.
Many are also saddled with student loan debt, making it difficult to save money or achieve financial stability.
2. Mental Health Challenges
More young adults today are dealing with anxiety, depression, and ADHD, which can make managing responsibilities feel overwhelming.
For example:
- Anxiety can lead to avoidance of difficult tasks.
- Depression can cause low motivation and hopelessness.
- ADHD can make planning and organization difficult.
3. Fear of Failure
Young adults often feel paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision.
They worry that if they choose the wrong career, move out too soon, or take on responsibilities they aren’t ready for, they’ll fail — and that failure will feel permanent.
Why Tough Love Doesn’t Work
Many parents, out of frustration, turn to tough love strategies like:
- Threatening to cut off financial support
- Giving ultimatums like, “Move out by next month or else”
- Withholding emotional support to “teach them a lesson”
Here’s the problem with that approach: It doesn’t address the root cause of their struggles.
Instead of motivating your child, tough love often creates:
- Shame
- Resentment
- Emotional disconnection
Your child may interpret tough love as rejection, which can further reinforce their fear of failure and make them feel even more stuck.
What Works: Empathetic Boundaries and Gradual Independence
So, what can you do instead?
The key is to strike a balance between empathy and boundaries.
Let’s break down some practical strategies you can use to help your young adult transition to independence without pushing them away.
1. Set Clear, Compassionate Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.
Here’s what boundaries might look like when your young adult is still living at home:
- Financial Boundaries: Decide which expenses you’ll cover and which ones they’ll need to take responsibility for.
- Household Boundaries: Set expectations for household contributions, like cooking, cleaning, or paying a portion of the rent.
- Time Boundaries: If they’re struggling to find a job or plan their next steps, set timelines to avoid indefinite dependence.
Example Boundary Statement:
“I’m happy to support you as you work toward independence, but I need you to start taking responsibility for your phone bill and car insurance by the end of this year. Let’s work together on a plan to make that happen.”
Why It Works:
This approach is clear, empathetic, and actionable. It shows your child that you’re willing to help — but you’re also encouraging their growth.
2. Focus on Small, Achievable Steps
One of the biggest mistakes parents make is expecting big leaps of independence all at once.
Instead, focus on small, manageable goals that build confidence over time.
Here’s What That Might Look Like:
- Month 1: Help them create a monthly budget.
- Month 2: Encourage them to start applying for jobs or internships.
- Month 3: Have them take responsibility for a specific bill (like their phone or car payment).
These small steps add up, helping your child feel more capable and less overwhelmed.
3. Offer Emotional Support (Without Taking Over)
Young adults often feel ashamed or anxious about their struggles.
One of the most powerful things you can do as a parent is to validate their feelings without swooping in to solve all their problems.
Try Saying This:
“I can see you’re feeling overwhelmed. That makes sense — it’s a big transition. Let’s break it down together and figure out one small step you can take today.”
Why It Works:
Validation shows your child that their feelings are normal and that they’re not alone.
4. Encourage Resilience by Letting Them Fail (Safely)
Failure is a part of life — and it’s a critical part of growth.
It can be hard to watch your child struggle, but stepping in too quickly can prevent them from learning important life lessons.
Instead of rescuing them every time they hit a roadblock, let them experience safe failures and learn how to recover.
If your child forgets to pay their phone bill and their service gets cut off, don’t pay it for them immediately. Let them handle the consequences and figure out how to fix it.
Why It Works:
Learning how to navigate setbacks builds confidence and resilience.
5. Normalize the Fear of Growing Up
Many young adults are terrified of adulthood. They see it as a huge, overwhelming responsibility they’re not prepared for.
Normalize that fear by sharing your own experiences.
Try Saying This:
“When I was your age, I didn’t have it all figured out either. It’s okay to feel scared — but you don’t have to do it alone.”
Why It Works:
Hearing that you’ve been through it too helps your child feel less isolated and more capable of navigating their own journey.
Helping Your Child Grow Up Doesn’t Mean Letting Them Go
The transition to adulthood isn’t easy — for parents or young adults. But with empathy, boundaries, and small steps, you can help your child gain independence without damaging your relationship.
Remember:
They’re not failing. They’re learning.
They’re not lazy. They’re growing.
They just need a little guidance and a lot of love along the way.
Struggling with a young adult who’s stuck in extended adolescence? Reach out to work with one of our therapists on how to help your child transition to independence without pushing them away. Learn how to set boundaries with empathy, encourage small steps toward adulthood, and build a stronger relationship along the way.
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