When Forgiveness Feels Impossible
Have you ever felt pressured to forgive someone who hurt you? Maybe you’ve been told that forgiveness is the only way to heal, or that holding onto anger will poison you. These messages can feel suffocating, especially when the harm you experienced runs deep.
Here’s the truth: you don’t have to forgive someone to heal. Forgiveness is a personal choice—not a requirement. Some people deserve to live with the mess they made, and your healing doesn’t have to hinge on absolving them.
Today, we’ll explore why forgiveness is often overrated, how forgiveness culture can harm survivors, and what you can do instead to reclaim your peace and power without forcing yourself to forgive.
What Forgiveness Isn’t
Before we dive in, let’s debunk some common myths about forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t:
- Excusing their behavior: Forgiveness doesn’t mean what they did was okay.
- Rebuilding trust: Forgiveness doesn’t mean they’ve earned their way back into your life.
- Forgetting: Forgiveness doesn’t require erasing the harm they caused.
Forgiveness is often presented as a selfless, noble act. But this narrative can feel dismissive to people who are still processing their pain. It suggests that your healing depends on someone else’s actions—and that’s simply not true.
Misconception: Forgiveness Equals Healing
One of the biggest misconceptions is that forgiveness is a necessary step in the healing process. But many people find themselves stuck, thinking, “I can’t forgive them, so I guess I’ll never heal.”
Forgiveness is often seen as a way to “let go” of pain. But let’s reframe this: letting go of pain doesn’t mean forgiving the person who caused it. It means releasing their power over your emotions.
Forgiveness culture shifts the burden onto the person who was hurt, asking them to let go of resentment for the sake of peace. This approach ignores the reality that some wounds are too deep to forgive—and that’s okay.
Why Forgiveness Feels Impossible
For many people, forgiveness feels out of reach because it demands something that doesn’t feel fair. It asks you to release anger, pain, or betrayal without receiving accountability or acknowledgment in return.
Think about how this might look in real life. Many adults come to therapy feeling stuck because they’re carrying the weight of someone else’s harm. Maybe it was a parent who dismissed their emotions, a partner who betrayed them, or a friend who violated their trust. These clients often say:
- “I feel like I should forgive them, but I just can’t.”
- “If I don’t forgive them, does that make me a bad person?”
- “Why should I have to forgive them when they never apologized?”
Here’s what I tell them: you don’t have to forgive to heal. You just need to release their control over your life.
The Problem with Forgiveness Culture
Forgiveness culture often focuses on the wrong person. It tells the person who was harmed to “be the bigger person” or “let it go” while the person who caused the harm faces no accountability. This can leave survivors feeling invalidated, like their pain doesn’t matter as much as maintaining peace.
Here’s why this approach is harmful:
- It Silences Your Pain: Forgiveness culture implies that anger and resentment are bad emotions that need to be erased, but those feelings are valid and deserve space.
- It Prioritizes the Harmful Person: The focus shifts to absolving the person who caused harm, rather than addressing the survivor’s needs.
- It Creates Pressure: Many people feel guilt or shame for not being able to forgive, adding another layer of emotional burden to their healing journey.
What to Do Instead of Forgiving
If forgiveness doesn’t feel right for you, that’s okay. Healing isn’t about letting someone off the hook—it’s about letting yourself off the hook from carrying their harm. Here are some steps to take instead:
Step 1: Validate Your Pain
Start by acknowledging what happened and how it made you feel. You might say:
- “What they did was wrong.”
- “I didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
- “My feelings are valid.” Validation is the first step in releasing the emotional weight of the harm.
Step 2: Release Resentment for Yourself, Not for Them
Letting go of resentment isn’t about forgiving the other person—it’s about freeing yourself. Holding onto anger can feel like drinking poison and hoping it hurts them. Instead, focus on reclaiming your energy. This might look like journaling, meditating, or working through your emotions with a therapist.
Step 3: Set Boundaries
Boundaries are your greatest tool for emotional safety. Forgiveness isn’t required to set boundaries. You can decide how much, if any, contact you want with the person who hurt you. For example:
- Limiting conversations to neutral topics.
- Cutting off contact entirely.
- Establishing clear consequences for violations.
Step 4: Focus on Your Growth
Instead of fixating on their actions, ask yourself: “What can I learn from this experience?” This doesn’t mean justifying their behavior—it means reclaiming control over how it shapes you. Maybe you’ve learned to spot red flags earlier, prioritize your needs, or assert your boundaries more firmly.
Releasing Resentment: An Example
Many clients struggle with this exact dynamic. They come in saying, “I feel like I’ll never heal because I can’t forgive them.” Over time, they learn that healing isn’t about forgiving—it’s about reclaiming their emotional energy. They practice setting boundaries, validating their pain, and focusing on their own growth. The shift is remarkable: they go from feeling stuck in resentment to feeling free, even if forgiveness never comes.
Why This Approach Works
Healing isn’t about what the other person did—it’s about how you respond to it. By releasing resentment, validating your pain, and setting boundaries, you take back control. You’re no longer tethered to their actions, and you create space for peace and empowerment in your life.
Forgiveness may not feel possible or necessary, but letting go of their emotional hold over you is. This process isn’t about absolving—it’s about freeing yourself.
Struggling to heal from someone else’s harm? You don’t have to forgive them to move forward. Therapy can help you release resentment, set boundaries, and reclaim your peace. Contact us today to start your healing journey
TL;DR:
Forgiveness isn’t always necessary for healing. Learn to validate your pain, release resentment, and set boundaries to prioritize your emotional well-being.
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